As I've mentioned before, I started crossfit in March and it has changed a lot for me, and in ways I never expected. This month I'm starting the Zone diet through the box I go to. Our coach has started a program for a group of us and last night was the intro class. She figured out the blocks for each of us, and we went over what a block is and how to be successful during the 4 week program. One of the first things our coach brought up was the "WHY". Why are we doing this? Getting thinner and fitter are whats. We needed to figure out what our personal why was. And to be honest that one stumped me for a while. So I slept on it and it hit me this morning what my why was. And it ties into a lot of things for me. A lot of which I have talked about on this blog. But I'm going to explain it here. And this might be uncomfortable for some people, but it's my why and my truth. And it's something I'm tired of hiding.
From the age of 11 to the age of 13 I WAS the victim of sexual abuse by a man we thought of as family. I won't go into the details because they're not needed. And that emphatic "was" is going to be important in a little bit, so remember it. I remained a victim long after the abuse ended. I exhibited a lot of typical victim behaviors. Most of which I worked through and left behind years ago. But there was a small detail that has stayed with me for years. I hated my body. I HATED it. I could not let that go. I've tried for years to be healthy and take care of myself, but nothing stuck for long for the simple fact that I hated my body. How can you take care of something you hate? I didn't want to hate it. I wanted to be comfortable in it. And that is the reason I tried for years to take care of it. In the hopes that by transforming it I would learn to love it. But that's not how it works. I figured that out through crossfit. I can wax poetic on the ways that crossfit has impacted my life. But I'll keep it simple and say that through crossfit I'm learning to love my body.
I posted a picture on facebook last night that says "I am obsessed with becoming a woman comfortable in her skin". That is my why.
I started this blog years ago with the goal of one day talking about this. Talking about why I am unhappy with my body. It went deeper than being unhappy with the way I look. It stems from that one sentence: I WAS a victim. But I refuse to be a victim for one moment longer. I'm a fucking survivor. I survived years self-hatred and years of being ambivalent about living or dying because I was his victim. But I'm not a weak fucking victim any more.
And I'm tired of keeping his secret. And make no mistake, it was HIS secret I kept. Because I didn't do anything wrong. HE did. I'm not keeping his secret one moment longer. I survived two years of sexual abuse.
I realize this is a difficult topic for a lot of people. And some may feel that it is a topic to be kept private. And while that may work for some people, it does not work for me. I refuse to feel ashamed and keep a dirty secret that is not mine to keep. Silencing victims makes them internalize and take on blame that belongs to someone else. If you are a victim or a survivor, find a way to speak out. It's not your secret to keep and the abuser doesn't deserve your silence.