I ain't no fortunate one

This post has been a long time in the making.  But here goes.
A little bit of background first.  I met my husband in late October of 2005..  Two months later I peed on a stick and we found out we were going to be parents.  After that things moved very fast, and we had some issues, but we worked through them for the most part and were married in March of 2007, when our son was 7 months old.  A few days after marrying, my husband lost his job and we made the decision for him to go active duty in the Army.  Prior to that he had served in the National Guard for 6 years.  We met two weeks after he returned home from deployment.
We didn't spend much time together during our first year of marriage due to Hubby's responsibilities with the Guard and then when his contract was transferred to Active Duty he was sent to Germany.  Our son and I followed 3 months later.  Even when we were there he was working 14-15 hours a day, so we didn't spend much time together. And then a few days after our first wedding anniversary my husband deployed again, this time for 15 months.  He came home on my birthday in 2009.  And that is where our story really starts.
During the entire deployment all I heard from the FRG and similar groups was to not expect my husband to come home the same as when he left.  I wasn't stupid - I didn't expect him to come home the same as when he left.  He went to war for God's sake.  I don't think anyone comes home unchanged from that.  But I was unprepared for how much he had changed.  I didn't notice it right away, but it quickly became more and more apparent just how much he had changed. I first noticed it a couple weeks after he came home.  I had made an appointment to get my hair cut, then spent some time wandering around the PX by myself.  I took my time because I didn't think I had to rush home and I hadn't really had any time to myself for almost 2 years.  My son was with his father, and when Tommy was born Hector and I worked different shifts so he'd be home by himself with Tommy for up to 10 hours a day.  With no problems.  That day I was gone for less than 4 hours.  And came home to a furious husband and a sobbing toddler.  Hector blew up on me about being gone for so long.
 Before that last deployment the man I had married was outgoing and gregarious - someone everyone wanted to be around.  He was the guy you went to when you needed help because you knew he was going to know what to do.  He was the life of the party and had patience for days.  He very rarely got mad, and you had to really push him to get him mad.  The man who came home was sullen and withdrawn.  He was hesitant to spend any kind of time with anyone except me, or really go anywhere.  He was angry - a lot.  And for silly little things.  He'd get really angry really easily.  And then he'd shut down.  Just sit at his computer for hours and days at a time and would get upset if he was interrupted.
And then I found out that he had a TBI from an explosion downrange.  The convoy he was in was hit by explosives.  And then I learned about the PTSD.  Those seven letters have become the third person in our marriage.  We have spent the last 6 years struggling to figure out how we worked.  I've had to take control of every aspect of our lives.  Not because I want to be a control freak, but because there are things my husband can no longer do.
We've dug ourselves out of hell so many times I lost count.  There have been so many times where I just don't think I can do this anymore.  I can't be his enemy anymore.  Because how do you fight against monsters in your own head?  I honestly think that sometimes I become the physical manifestations of his demons.  I've had to learn patience like I've never had before.  My skin at times is a mile thick.  I'm a referee between him and the kids.  I'm his buffer against the outside world.  And that can be so overwhelming at times.
We've come a long way in the past 6 years, but it will never be what it was.  We've gone through too much, and had to change so much.  We work every day on making our marriage work, and it is a daily challenge.  Some days are easier than others.  On those days I can almost see past TBI and PTSD.  Other days that's all I can see.  I never know from one day to the next what will happen.  I have no idea what our future looks like.  But I hope and I'm determined that it will be a future we share.

Points to ponder

Alright, so I've been doing crossfit for almost 2 months now and I LOVE it!!!  I love that it pushes me outside my comfort zone and gets me to do things I'd never do on my own.  I love that the athletes I work out with are so encouraging and really work to inspire each other.  It really is a family atmosphere and I'm probably addicted.  I talked my husband into too.  And while he's not as gung ho about it as I am (not yet anyway!) he still really likes it.  Just seems like the past couple weeks have been one thing after another keeping him from going, from building a fence to a broken toe.  But he was there yesterday when we did the Murph WOD together.  It was awesome to be able to do that together and cheer each other on.  There are few hobbies that we have in common and I'm excited that this will become one.  I'm happy that we're working on our fitness and health together.
Now the part I'm frustrated about.  I haven't lost any weight since starting.  I'm not sure what's going on, but it can be discouraging at times.  I'm working on revamping how I think of things.  Like I said before, I'm not really concerned so much with the number on the scale as I am about the number on the pants tags.  Well, that and I'm starting to really want to life the heavier weights.  I know I need to work on my diet.  I've spent so much time worrying about the calories that I haven't paid much attention to the quality of those calories.  I'm try to keep my carbs and fat down while increasing my protein.  My doctor suggested that in order for me to lose weight that I'd need to decrease my calories to 800 to 1000 daily.  That to me just seems to drastic and likely to put my body into starvation mode which will cause it to hold on to everything.  And since I'm doing crossfit 6 days a week, that number seems really too low.  I'm sure once I really start to build the muscle the fat will decrease and clothes will start to fit better.  So now I remind myself that while I may not be seeing big changes right away, I'm making myself better and making my health better by working on my fitness.  I need to stop focusing on losing weight and start focusing on getting fitter.  I'm going to stop focusing on what's not going right and start focusing on what is.  And what is going right is that I'm out that door almost every morning to work out instead of sitting my ass chugging coffee.  I'm watching the athletes at the box and instead of thinking "damn, I can't do that" I'm thinking "I'm GOING to be able to do that someday".
The first step is I'm not stepping on the scale any more.  All that number does is just fuck up my thinking for the rest of the day.  I'm going to start enjoying my food.  I'm going to buckle down and really try to get rid of the processed food.  I've done a good job on starting that.  Just need to stick with it.  I'm going to pay attention to why I'm eating, am I really hungry or just bored.  And if I'm really hungry than an apple will be just as appealing as a bag of potato chips (at least I'm hoping because I REALLY love potato chips...and cookies.  I could eat cookies all day long).  I also need to increase my water intake.  Other than 2 cups of coffee daily, water is the only thing I drink, but I think I need to drink just a little bit more of it.  Especially when I'm hungry because sometimes thirst feels like hunger.

Changes

I've been thinking of writing another post for a while now.  Pretty much since I finished the last one.  But, well, life happens.  And I'm kind of indecisive at times.  There's so much I want to write about that I just do not know where to start.  I've made some changes, and had a lot of things change for me.  Some of the things I want to write about impact others in my life, and I need to make sure I protect their privacy while still being authentic to my desire to have a conversation with everyone.  And there are some things that once are out there, I can never take back.  Some stuff I'm just not sure I want to be out there forever and always.  Part of the way I deal with things is to talk about it, out loud and with others.  But some of it is just stuff I've held onto for a long time and kept intensely private.  I'm getting close to starting that conversation, but not yet.  I need to figure out for myself what level of disclosure I'm comfortable with.
Here's something I am comfortable talking about: my health.  I've recently been diagnosed as having hypothyroidism.  It honestly seems like such a small thing, but you would be amazed at all ways having an under active thyroid can affect your life.  I was diagnosed in August and started on medication right away.  This is one of those things that you just cannot treat with diet or lifestyle changes.  But believe you me, things need to change.  I pay closer attention to how I'm feeling and can now let go of the guilt and shame I felt for so long about somethings.  The fatigue that comes along with this is no joke.  There are days where I struggle to get up and just empty the dishwasher.  I also struggle with keeping my anger in check and now know that is from my thyroid issue.  Instead of feeling bad for how irritable I feel - which believe you me just makes you feel more irritable - I can acknowledge that feeling and deal with it without exploding.
This also affects my metabolism.  All last summer I went to the gym 4 to 5 times every week and watched my diet.  I did not lose an ounce.  Once I was diagnosed I kind of stopped going and relaxed about what I ate.  As a result I gained about 30 pounds in just over 3 months.  So now I've started crossfit.  And I LOVE it!!!  I'm just about finished with the first two weeks and next week I start doing the regular WOD.  And I've gotten back to watching my diet and I've lost a couple pounds so far.  My endocrinologist suggested I try Paleo.  But I have not been doing that.  I'm mostly working on low-carb and that seems to work for me.  So if anyone has any low-carb recipes and tips & tricks let me know!
And that's it for now <3

Amuse-Bouche

Wow!  It has been one busy month.  Busy in a good way?  Not really.  Unless you think sick kids are fun, then this month would have been awesome for you.  We've had bronchitis, ear infections, stomach bugs, and pink eye.  It's been a regular Lysol fest over here.  I think it's been since December since both of my kids have been healthy at the same time.  If either one gets sick again any time soon, I'm going to just start bathing them in Lysol.  Hourly.
So I've finished with my classes.  Still have some work to get done before student teaching, but it's just forms to fill out.  And I need to call the school board here and find out if I need to do my fingerprints again, or if the ones I did in December '13 will work.  I also have to get ahold of my student loan lenders and figure out how to do some deferrals on those puppies until I finish student teaching.  Which is not happening until August (fingers crossed!) so that means I'm out of school for six months.
The house is coming along.  Working on it little by little.  But at least it no longer looks like a nuclear bomb exploded up in this biznatch.  Plus, Hubby FINALLY got the garage/ManCave cleaned up.  That means I no longer have camping gear piled in the dining room.
Camping gear, you ask?  Well, that's a post for another day!

Cha Ching!

So one of my goals that I've had forever, but haven't really accomplished much with is getting organized.  Let's face, I have good intentions but horrible follow-through.  I really really want to be this glamorous organized paragon of motherhood/wifeliness (<---I just made a new word y'all!).  Alas, as my stepdaddy used to say "wishes in one hand and shit in the other...which gets fuller faster?"  BUT 2015 is my year y'all!!!  I can feel it :-)
I'm starting with baby steps and taking the little accomplishments as they come and building upon them.  So this is what I've done so far...
I am staying on top of when my school work is due.  For just about forever I've run behind on that, and my undergrad GPA paid the price.  As long as I passed right?  Not so much does that work in grad school where there is a required GPA.  So no more late assignments.  I will be up sometimes till the wee hours getting it done by the due date, but by God it will be done!  I've also in the past let participation slide because it's only 10 points of my total grade.  But those 10 points are 10% of my grade and whole letter grade.
I'm also really buckling down on tracking our finances.  For a long time now we've spent every penny that comes in the door - and then some.  Mostly because I've been lazy on budgeting and tracking where our money goes.  This is an area where I'm making baby steps.  I'm using an app on my phone called Checkbook Pro, which cost me I think $1.99 on the Google Play store.  I'm trying to remember to track every single expense, which is a step closer to sticking to our budget.
Hubs and I have talked it over and we're going on a spending cleanse for the entire month of February.  There are a few things that are not exactly necessary to survival, but they're things we've committed to, so we'll be doing that.  But other than that we're not spending a dime unless it's crucial to our continued existence.  Plus I sit here and map out a budget each month as part of participating in the Military Warrior Support Foundation program.  If I'm going to spend the time doing that, we're going to follow it.  Whether Hubs likes it or not.  Ok...whether I like it or not.  We have to do this because while we've been given this great opportunity to own a home with the MWSF program, we're not saving anything and we're not getting any closer to our dream home.
So that's what I've done so far.  Anyone have any great tips that helped them get on track financially?

Just put one foot in front of the other

     This week I started my observation hours.  Getting my degree from UoP means that some requirements are just for Florida, and some are straight up university requirements.  And this week I learned that the 100 required hours is just for UoP students - not required by the state.  But that's ok.  I wanted lots of field experience.  It's why I went for the MA and did not go the alternative route. 
     I observed at a local high school, not far from my house.  I can observe any K-12 class, but I'm hoping to be able to do all of it in a high school setting since that is what I will be getting my master's degree in.  The teacher that allowed me to observe was really nice and funny.  A really great teacher.  Her classroom management style is almost effortless.  But I'm guessing that it is absolutely not. Especially in one class that is very.... rowdy. 
    She sat and talked to me about the school.  It has a high population of free/reduced lunch, and a lot of the kids come from...a disadvantaged background.  She told me that some of their backgrounds would just break your heart and it is a difficult balance between being compassionate and being taken for a sucker.  Because some of the kids would milk your sympathy for everything they can get. 
     I'm even more excited to start teaching after doing just 8 hours of observing.  I don't really know what it was about that setting that got me fired up, but it did.  I think that deep down everyone wants to be a good student and get that feeling of accomplishment when they get a good grade.  Knowing that their hard work has paid off.  And I think that's because way back when, I was one of those kids.  My backstory isn't horrific or horrendous, but it sure wasn't all that easy at times.  My mom and dad did the best they could, but sometimes life sucks.  And even though I was sitting there mouthing off to the teacher and giving student teachers absolute hell, I wanted the good grade. 
     And that's enough maudlin talk for one night!  Kids are in bed, house is picked up, and homework can wait.  It's Thursday night and that means Grey's and a glass of wine!

Nitty Gritty of it all

Today I started the first really real class of my MA.  The other first class was an orientation, and thank God for it!  There are so many resources available through the UoP College of Education it's redonk!
I called the high school here in Rockledge about starting my observation hours, and I'm waiting to hear back from the assistant principal.  If I don't hear anything by the end of the day tomorrow I'm going to call the Viera high school (which is only 5 minutes from my house). 
Our first assignment for this class is reviewing an article about the common core state standard initiative.  Which is a good thing because I've realized that I have no clue how those standards will impact my career.  I know how they affect my second grader, but not how they will affect me.  From what I've seen so far they don't seem so bad, but we'll see if that opinion changes once I'm more familiar with how they affect the classroom.
Tommy and I are still doing karate, and he still really likes it.  Which is good because I do too! We were going all three days it's offered at the Viera Community Center, but there's a bible study at the church on one of those days that I'd really like to check out. 
Now, I've had the Microsoft Surface Pro for about a month now and I must say I really like it.  I've wanted a tablet for a couple years now, but it always seemed like a superfluous item to have since I had a laptop and a smartphone.  What I really wanted was something that combined the laptop and tablet and the Surface Pro seems to be doing that.  I know a lot of people had an issue with how small the app store is, but it doesn't really bother me.  I have a Note II so I have a mobile device for all the apps I use.  I'm using the touch keyboard for it and while I'm not loving it as much, it gets the job done.  Thinking about saving up for the type one.